You’re probably reading this in office when you’re supposed to be working. That’s awesome! Take more time off and read up on how to deal with 5 everyday work situations – kissing ass style!
Situation # 1: Boss Asks You A Question As Soon As You Walk In
Why? Coz he’s a frustrated dick whose wife doesn’t have sex with him.
Option 1: Kick him in the balls.
Option 2: Nod your head and say, ‘Yes Boss I’m on it’ and buy some time while you prioritize your day like checking Facebook, personal emails etc. If he still continues then throw him off guard by changing the topic like…ask him why his hair is so oily.
Situation # 2: Your Chair Is Stolen
Why? Some asshole steals your chair and replaces it with the worst chair in the office.
Option 1: Pee on your chair
Option 2: See how Saif tattooed Kareena’s name on his arm? That’s what you gotta do. Take some white ink and write your name all over the armrest.
For added protection get a bicycle chain and lock your chair to your desk (this has actually been done).
Situation # 3: You Don’t Want To Talk To Anyone
Why: Who cares why? Just shuddup OK!
Option 1: Greet your cheery colleagues with ‘Fuck off’.
Option 2: Today is the day to actually get some work done. Open an important looking excel, powerpoint and jab away at your computer. For added get lost vibes plug in your earphones.
Situation # 4: Your Phone Died
Why: Coz it’s a shitty phone that dies. And you’re a shitty person who forgot to charge it.
Option 1: Fuck work. Tell you boss your grandma died. Go home and cuddle with your phone while it charges.
Option 2: Calm down dude. Stay in touch with all your friends via FB. Postpone all work and start hunting for someone who may have the same phone charger. This will involve talking to boring people from other departments. You’ll probably have better luck if you’re a chick.
Situation # 5: You Want To Leave Early
Why?: The IPL is on and you’ve got tickets to a match
Option 1: Buy your boss a ticket and take him with you.
Option 2: Meet your boss after lunch when he’s all sleepy and bore him to fuck with what all the work that’s on your plate. Stay out of meetings that start at 4 coz they never start before 6! Escape before any shit hits the fan.
For more tips check out Clyde D’Souza book Kissing Ass The Art of Office Politics.
For an excerpt go to kissingassthebook.com